When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[shakes fist at other fist]
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.