People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Single and childfree like Jesus
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.