Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.