Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
You Might Also Like
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I love it all
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”