Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
You got this…