@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up
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@TwoSapphiresBlu: I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
@One_FineMess: My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I'm beginning to think she's more antisocial than I am.
@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS