@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up
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@torrami: My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I'm 28 years old now and I'm still not a crime-fighting mermaid :(
@FloodyHippie: My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates
@DurtMcHurtt: [Sahara desert] Me: *shares canteen* Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out* Me: it's ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
@Pro_Jones_: Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH