@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up
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@iwearaonesie: Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can't hear the TV
@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
@iGreenMonk: This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone's head.
@K_blue: Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can't fire you if they can't find you.