imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.