Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
live, laugh, laundry.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.