Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
You Might Also Like
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion