@robdelaney: Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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@Whitnuts: My liver's so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it's family very proud. Weren't expecting that, huh? Racist.
@iGreenMonk: I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
@iwearaonesie: [on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
@TheHyyyype: Apparently when your wife says "let's make a baby," she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram