@robdelaney: Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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@truegritrumble: BOSS: I'm firing you. ME: Thank heavens! BOSS: Why else would I call you here? ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet* BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
@causticbob: Me: If we weren't related, I'd totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren't related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
@Cheeseboy22: 7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
@leechee420: Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let's take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.