Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
You Might Also Like
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.