@dubstep4dads: Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall
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@collinwithtwoLs: *brings a gun to a knife fight* *brings a gun to a pillow fight* *brings a gun to a food fight* who keeps inviting this guy
@SamuelHLowe: - Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning. - When we first met? - No, before that.
@iwearaonesie: wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"