Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
You Might Also Like
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
A classic…
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…