@JamesBarretts: Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
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@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
@dance_blessed: Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
@AimeeHelene1: *wears reindeer antlers* *innocently smiles* *bats eyelashes* *steals your wallet*