Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
#ProTip
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner