@MomOfTeen: Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It's all good. I'll wait.
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@iGreenMonk: When someone tell me , "long time no see" i usually reply, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
@cwhudson: [dog walking a human] *walks by a coffeeshop with its door open* HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
@Jeffro_: I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over.
@AngrEdmontonian: Apparently, "Step up your game" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.