Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*