@badbanana: Immortality would suck. I don't want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
@Bob_Janke: I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
@SondraDeeMe: [first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
@garrettbarry70: Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.