I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch