“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
You Might Also Like
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Have a lovely day 😊
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?