I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
no such thing as a dumb question
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…