Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin