The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
See..?
.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.