If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
All. The. Damn. Time.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?