@BuckyIsotope: Important reminders
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@thepunningman: [landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"
@onion_an: Me: My dog has gone missing Dog pound: What colour is it? Me: Brown Dog pound: Sex? Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
@Darlainky: Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa's sleigh.
@tastefactory: BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn't have a hidden ponytail