My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Hero horse inspires millions
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.