I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why