@SamuelMoen: Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
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@brianbowman73: Sorry I called you an imbecile. I should've realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
@ieatanddrink: Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound
@joejwest: ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]
@Marlebean: Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: I just wanted to see you. [4:07 am]