You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
That eye roll….
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.