They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit