Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
why isn’t he texting back
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”