IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
monday
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?