Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*looks at you in batman voice*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.