@Mr_Mike_Clarke: Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
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@Underchilde: Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.
@MableGertrude: Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.
@cbdoubleu: "Are you seeing anyone?" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends.
@RegularFred: Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn't have a barbed wire tattoo.