[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.