@Mr_Mike_Clarke: Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
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@sarcasticmommy4: I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
@UncleDuke1969: Date: "You're very tall! Do you play basketball?" Me: "You're very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?"
@isabelzawtun: I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
@mackswift: Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.