My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.