In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”