@FauxFawx: In 1974 I helped a man called "Falcon" throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
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@warne888: When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"
@hipstermermaid: 1886: We invented a car! 1903: We invented a plane! 1969: We went to the moon! ... ... ... ... ... ... 2015: Taco Emoji!
@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra