@FauxFawx: In 1974 I helped a man called "Falcon" throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
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@juliussharpe: After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
@mstluvstrinkets: What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
@neverknownfacts: Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
@Book_Krazy: *[At the dinner table]* "No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"