In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
You Might Also Like
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?