In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I ate everything, including the H.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.