@brettminor: In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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@TheBoydP: The "free milkshakes for a month" contest I just won is telling me my month's supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month...
@pseudofauxme: My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
@Terry_maximo: [funeral] *walks up to give eulogy* *pulls notes out of pocket* "Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails." *folds notes* *sits back down*
@Midgetspar: When someone's all, "Words cannot begin to describe ..." I'm all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.