@brettminor: In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@salamingia: "Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take? "Your trip will take 5 hours" "Google, I have a child. "Your trip will take 9 hours".
@JohnLyonTweets: Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.