In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.