@brettminor: In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.
@MunkMania: I like men in uniform, but sometimes it's hard to flirt when they're handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
@batkaren: Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember-- oh wait no that's a Cheeto.