You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.