In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
*serious situation*
My brain:
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35