In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Lmao
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps