@Perfect_Beanis: in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off
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@ArfMeasures: [Bar] HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering...*slowly finishes her drink*...if you'd like to see my bedroom ME: Oh no thank you, I don't have any interest in home decor [4 days later] ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
@chimneyspotter: GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!
@ItsAndyRyan: "Whats your biggest weakness?" "I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*