In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Born to be mild.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant