thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.