a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
You Might Also Like
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”