In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
A classic…