in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot