in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?