@elle91: In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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@BlackJerms: Me: So tired Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet... M: Please don't B: N how do we know it's not actually disorganized?
@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
@GrowlyGrego: Wait...the "S" in ASAP doesn't stand for "Slowly?" Shit. This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.