In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I just ran a .003048K
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.