In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Saw your ex at the shops
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.