A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
#merica
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
A bold strategy
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.