In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
ACED my prostate exam!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Its a hippotatomus
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’m being attacked 😭
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.