[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
You Might Also Like
I have never heard an armadillo before.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.