[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
You Might Also Like
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!